~CONTENT POWERED BY ANTELOPE BUTTE FOUNDATION~
It’s that time of year, Sheridan. The snow has begun to fall, visions of sugar plums are sure to be dancing in our heads, and perhaps most importantly we are free from the tyranny of the Axis of Evil that is wasps and mosquitoes for a few sweet months.
Soon, though, they will crawl from their despicable lairs and take flight, intent on imposing their wingéd despotism on our barbecues and pool parties. Not all of winter is so great, though; with this gentle dusting of snow on the trees comes the sheer terror that is driving on sleet-covered roads.
We love our readers, and as such we want to make sure you’re all safe as can be. So, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to write up a short list of tips and tricks to keep you safe while you drive out there.
1. GO SLOWER THAN YOU USUALLY DO
This one is easy to forget, but it’s arguably one of the most important tips to keep in mind. Drifting around in the snow sounds cool until it’s not. Most cars take significantly longer to stop and turn in the snow, so go a few under the speed limit when there’s the diabolical mixture of ice, sleet, and snow under your wheels.
2. USE YOUR SEATBELT AT ALL TIMES
We know sometimes it’s tempting to not wear a seatbelt. After all, the second and a half it takes to put it on is hardly worth not being shot through your windshield like a carnie out of a circus cannon and having the skin of your face scraped off and left in a you-colored streak on the pavement. It’s an arduous task, we know. However, we urge you, please always wear a seatbelt.
3. BRING A FLAMETHROWER, JUST IN CASE
Lady Winter is a complicated mistress, and sometimes her gentle, innocuous snowflakes can easily turn into hellish inundations of dense, white madness. Oftentimes, this can lead to stuck cars and hazardous road conditions. Some say to use kitty litter or a shovel, but we think why even bother with all that kiddy nonsense and throw some flaming gasoline right on there. 9 times out of 10, the snow will melt and you’ll be on your merry way. There’s a small chance of setting everything in the immediate vicinity ablaze, but at 10% odds, we think it’s a safe bet to roll the dice. Plus, if any of your neighbors or fellow motorists have a problem with it, you’re still the one with the flamethrower. So, who wins that argument?
4. MAKE SURE TO GIVE A SACRIFICE TO BOREAS, GOD OF THE NORTHERN WIND
One of the Anemoi, or ancient Greek wind gods, Boreas is a rascally little bugger who apparently takes pleasure in covering our innocent heads with pound after pound of snow. We can only assume that the reason he’s been so harsh to us as of late is because of our lack of satisfactory sacrifices. He likes horses, so you ranchers may have to take a few for the team to keep us free from his tyranny. He’s also fairly fond of kidnapping young women, so bear that in mind next time you see a heavy storm rolling in.
5. STAY HOME
You know what’s the best way to ensure you don’t get in a car crash out there in the snow? Stay home, make a hot cup of cocoa, draw the blinds, and pretend that winter doesn’t exist and that the snow can’t hurt you. Make sure to stay still, too. Much like the wily tyrannosaurus rex, the biting cold of winter can’t hurt you if it can’t see you.
If you follow all of our tips, you’re sure to have a safe and fun winter! Stay warm, Sheridan.