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A recently-concluded study suggests that individuals who back their vehicles into parking spaces are superior human beings compared to those who pull into parking spaces.
The research, conducted by the University of Wyoming sociology department, found that reverse parkers are 83% more confident and happy than their willy-nilly, sad-sack forward-parking counterparts.
“The general assumption at the outset was that back-in parkers are better people,” said Dr. Louis H. Ford of the study’s initial hypothesis, “but we found that the magnitude of the discrepancy in overall life satisfaction between the two groups leaves little doubt that reverse parkers are vastly more worthy overall than those simpletons who nose into parking spots.”
At its core, Ford believes that the group’s research reveals the natural course of human evolution. Reverse parkers represent the advancement of the species as a whole, whereas forward parkers are more comparable to neanderthals.
“Back-in parkers tend to be luminaries; comparably, pull-in parkers cast about as much light on any given subject as a match struck in a room completely devoid of oxygen,” Ford explained.
The researchers found that pull-in parkers consistently struggle to solve even the easiest of word jumbles and were completely dumbfounded when asked to fold a fitted sheet; back-in parkers demonstrated a deep understanding of the U.S. tax code and solved Rubik’s Cubes one-handed and blind-folded.
Ford went to on say that back-in parkers aren’t simply more intelligent: they’re also more beautiful and successful. He pointed out that Albert Einstein, Gisele Bundchen and Warren Buffett are noted back-in parkers, while forward parkers include the likes of Barney Fife, Roseanne Barr and that guy who dropped out of high school in the mid-80s but still cruises Main on Friday nights.
When asked whether he himself backs in or pulls into parking spaces, the lead researcher chuckled. “Doctor Ford? Hello? What do you think?”
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