Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, Sheridan. Can you smell the soulless consumerism, preying on all of our subconscious need to be loved and accepted like vultures flocking to a distended corpse? I mean… can you smell the love?
“The Feast of Saint Valentine,” as it was called when titles were better, is a time for couples to come together and give chocolates, stuffed animals, flowers, and everything else impractical. You know what really would say “I love you”? A ham. It’s delicious, aesthetically pleasing, and nutritious. Try surviving in harsh conditions off of one of those life-sized teddy bears.
This holiday can be a bit difficult for those of you without a significant other, and we at Sheridan Brand aren’t unsympathetic to you lonely hearts. So, we’ve made a list of fun things for you to do while the rest of the world chokes on its own consumerist bile.
1. STAY IN
Our first idea might be our best one. The only true way to escape Valentine’s Day is to stay in, board up your windows, and wait it out. Don’t look outside, don’t check your phone, just hide under the sheets with a pint of ice cream. Maybe watch a movie, but no romantic comedies. They are, after all, the propaganda of the enemy.
2. GO STARGAZING
Put on a coat, straighten that hair for once, and take a nice, long drive to some secluded slice of nature. When you get there, look straight up and admire the vast immensity of the stars that govern space. On a clear night, one might get a view of the milky way system, and in the presence of its innumerable ambiguities and cosmic complexity, you might be able to forget that you’re likely laying in deer poop. Intergalactic existentialism loses a bit of its edge when you have to brush yourself off and drive back into society, but for a brief few moments, perhaps even a few hours, you can forget about Valentine’s Day, forget about humanity, and get lost in the galaxy. After that, maybe go warm up a Lean Cuisine or something.
3. ACCEPT YOURSELF
Now, in the context of our other suggestions, this might seem sarcastic. We can assure you it’s not. You are more than the other half of a relationship, nor is your worth measured by how many valentines you get or how much candy you have to binge on at the end of the day. You are your own person, and it’s ok to be single on Valentine’s Day. You are who you are, Sheridan, and we love you for it.
Now if you lack the personal constitution to adhere to the above point, there’s always an alternative. There are plenty of bars in Sheridan, is all we’re saying. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
So, there you have it, Sheridan! If you find yourself single on All Hollow’s Eve (that may be the wrong holiday), and are starved for something to do, any one or all of the above-listed items would shape up to be a satisfying check-out from the world for a bit.
— Sheridan Brand