CODY, WY — Tourists traveling to Yellowstone this summer are encouraged to wear easily-digestible clothing, due to the high likelihood that they will be eaten alive by a grizzly during their visit to our nation’s first national park.
According to a National Park Service official, human vs. bear encounters are on the rise, prompting the call for diligence in visitors determining what type of apparel they’re sporting when they are inevitably consumed.
“Twenty years ago, only one out of every eight guests would end up a meal for a hungry bear,” said Ranger Rick Smith of the imposing omnivores’ propensity for devouring Park visitors. “Today that number is one in three. With over 4 million visitors annually, you can see there’s potential for a lot of upset tummies.”
The bears well-being is paramount, Ranger Smith explained of the Park Service’s plea for more humane outfit choices.
“Grizzlies are fine processing deer hide or even an elk’s rib, but denim, polyester, nylon, spandex? Those can really plug them up.”
Officials have prepared a list of helpful suggestions for healthier clothing and accessory choices in the highly-likely scenario that visitors are ingested, according to Smith.
“For example, we know that skinny jeans are a popular fashion trend, and we’re not asking you to not wear them,” Smith stated. “We just ask that those skinny jeans be constructed from sausage casings if you do. It’s a small way to make a big difference for wildlife.” Also recommended are salami-soled sandals, t-shirts woven from Slim Jims and Fruit Roll-Ups belts and bracelets.
Ranger Smith said that low-calorie alternatives are preferred, citing elevated levels of obesity in the grizzly population, as well. “Applying a thin layer of I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butter sunscreen could make all the difference in the world to a sow or boar’s arterial health.”
Yellowstone tourists are also encouraged to leave their personal electronic devices in their vehicles when hiking in the famed park, Smith added.
“If you’ve ever tried to pass an iPhone 6, you know it’s no picnic,” Smith said.
