Well, Sheridan, there’s only four days until we wake up at the crack of dawn to watch the little ones race over to the Christmas tree and watch as they tear open their well-wrapped gifts that say from the jolly fat guy in the red hat. To emphasize the point, that means just four days to get your kids, nieces and nephews, and grandpappy’s presents to ole Saint Nicolaus, so he can sling them under your tree in a mad dash at midnight, well after the children have gone to bed. That guy is seriously overworked. And, all we really do for the big man is set out some cookies and milk, which are probably stale and room temp, at best, by the time he even gets a chance to toss them up and catch them in his mouth on, like, the third or fourth try. Maybe we should all get together and come up with some sort of gift for him; it is the season of giving, after all. Anyway, we here at Sheridan Brand want to do anything we can to make your Christmas morning the best it can be for everyone, and that means we’re going to help you with your last-minute gifting, right here and now.
For the Special Someone
The holidays can be stressful. You’re desperately searching for that one gift that will symbolize everything you can’t get across with mere words. Maybe it’s that diamond necklace or those gorgeous earrings. Maybe it’s a pair of cashmere socks. If you’re going for that big, romantic gesture, nothing says “I love you” more than a personal, secluded private island! Each palm tree and rare gecko will be living testaments to the warmth in your heart, and the views will leave you saying, “Wow!”. The views might also leave you saying, “Help me, I’m drowning!” if you buy an island in an area prone to tsunamis, but we figure it’s worth rolling the die.
For the In-Laws
This one is a bit tough. Depending on how long you’ve been married, you may still be in the awkward no-man’s-land of unfamiliarity with your significant other’s birth givers. We can’t really offer much in the way of specific gifts for unique personalities, but we have a one-size-fits-all that should get you out of any last-minute gift giving jams. Look around the room you’re in right now. What’s missing? You guessed it: A 25 lb sack of potatoes! They’re as useful as they are delicious; they can be used for everything from a delicious, hearty stew to mid-range projectiles, and everything in between. You’ll love the grateful look on their faces when they open up the burlap sack and find these timeless little jewels.
For the Grandpaps and Grandmamas
What’s that, sonny? You want a gift you can give to your grandparents? Well, look no further! We’ve done some secret market research that suggests there’s nothing the friendly geriatrics in your life would like more than the gratification gained from knowing that their generation is superior in every way to all subsequent progeny. So, put away your wallet and take out your phone! Text at dinner and church so that your grandparents might say, “These darn youngsters can’t live without their cell phones, and their snappychats and their instant grams.” The glowing light of supremacy will permeate throughout their entire lives, and will leave you with that wholesome feeling you get when you’ve given a truly meaningful gift.
For the Angsty Niece
Snapchat? Nope, that’s free. Instagram? You can’t buy that. We know what you’re thinking: “She’s always on her phone, what the heck am I supposed to get her? I don’t know anything about these new-fangled techno gadgets.” Don’t fret, we’re here for you. Right next door to the Centennial Theater (which sells gift cards, and who doesn’t love a feature length film that probably stars Tom Cruise?), Bought Beautifully has opened up a little pop-up shop, and they’re selling their ethically sourced jewelry and housewares to benefit artisans around the world, as well as your reputation with your niece. Everyone in there is super friendly, and understand your need absolute need to be the seen as the FAVORITE auntie or uncle. Bought Beautifully we’ll help you pick out the necklace that will re-invigorate your niece’s selfie game. Christmas on fleek.
For the Frenzied Nephew
There’s one in every family. That one, wiry little bugger who seems like a source of infinite, kind of annoying energy. But there’s something about him that’s endearing. He reminds you of when you were younger, when you had that gleam of hope and innocence in your eye. He embodies a simpler, happier time before the cruel weight of the world put its boot on your neck. So, to get him out of all that nonsense, we recommend the collected works of Friedrich Nietzsche, to give your wonderful nephew a cold, sobering taste of nihilism and existentialism.
For the Cat
The cat’s gift, though most may not realize it, is likely the most important one. Let’s be honest: a displeased spouse or upset child pales in comparison to an enraged feline. Not only are they calculating, they’re the only ones willing to stay up all night and stare at you while you sleep, inches from your face, ready to seriously freak you out or even claw you to shreds. So, keep them happy. Pro tip: All you have to do is tie some bells and tassels to the pant legs of everyone in your house, except your own, of course, and the cat will be entertained for hours.
Yes, you! Come on, you’ve been out there all day, busting your hump in the sub-zero temperature to find gifts for the ones you love and that one guy you secretly dislike but your sister married him anyways. You definitely deserve something that you know you’ll like under the Christmas tree. Now, around here there are plenty of cute little coffee cups and mouse pads that say “WYO” on them, which are great. But what says WYO more than a chicken rope? Pretty much nothing. One of King Ropes’ most versatile products, the chicken rope is thin, light, and would probably fit in most satchels. And, you don’t have to use it exclusively for chickens. Every parent/uncle/godmother who’s discovered this tool knows that it’s perfect for wrangling rowdy children and poultry alike.
So, there you have it, folks. The undeniable go-to Christmas shopping wish list that’s sure to surprise with delight to those lucky enough to receive them.